Paradise
by Ayla Pascal
Summary: A mighty story of adventure, alcohol, love and carrots! Inigo/Fezzik


Fezzik's idea of paradise involves counting words. He can count the number of times it takes to bash in the head of each of his opponents. For the Old Warrior of Sicily, it takes nine hits. For the Terrible Tark it takes sixty-five hits. The only time he loses count is against the man in the black mask.

Inigo's idea of paradise involves alcohol. Lots of it.

-***-

At school, Fezzik was always considered big and stupid. The little children picked on him and sang rude songs at him that he couldn't understand. He tried to be nice to them but they kept on circling him, chanting and pointing fingers, until, one day, he snapped and punched a boy in the face. He had been aiming for the biggest of his tormentors, but in a cruel twist of face, managed to punch the face of little Timmy.

Little Timmy was a weak, timid boy who never lifted a finger against Fezzik. He was just in the wrong place at the wrong time.

Fezzik counted the number of times the head of the school said the words "giant" and "inappropriate". A hundred and five times, including synonyms.

He was expelled.

Afterwards, his parents were comforting and told him things like "you don't need to go to school" and "with that body, you were born to wrestle".

Fezzik hadn't the heart to tell them that he wanted to play with numbers instead of hitting things, because to him, numbers sang as sweetly as the bluebirds out his window.

-***-

There are many, many, many kinds of alcohol in the world and Inigo's tried them all.

He knows that he has to avenge his father's death by slaying the six fingered man but beyond that, he has forgotten everything else. Alcohol is his saviour, his devil and the sweet mistress that sings him to sleep at night.

-***-

They meet through Vizzini.

Vizzini tells Fezzik to sober Inigo up. After slapping him across the face a few times, Fezzik finally realises that the easiest way to sober up a man is to dunk him in water. Hot first. Then cold.

He dunks Inigo.

Once.

Twice.

Three times.

Four times.

Inigo wakes up screaming and Fezzik smiles cheerfully.

-***-

Inigo can't stand carrots. The first time Fezzik puts them in a stew, he spends half an hour slowly stabbing each of them with his sword.

Fezzik looks at him with a puzzled expression.

-***-

When Fezzik was three, he was already two heads taller than his parents. Both of them were considered rather short, but it was still a remarkable feat.

"Fezzik," his mother said, "can you please get the cinnamon off the top shelf?"

And Fezzik, who hadn't yet learned how to read, and wasn't quite sure what cinnamon was, complied. It took him five times (one, two, three, four, five, he counted) to get the right jar.

When Fezzik was ten, he towered over his parents, who no longer asked him to get things but made him practice out in the backyard lifting weights.

One.

Two.

Three.

-***-

Fezzik loves chocolate. Vizzini seems to have an endless supply that he gives out once in a while when he thinks Fezzik's done well.

He has little buds of dark chocolate that send Fezzik into orgasmic delight.

-***-

When the man in black - who turns out to be Buttercup's love - suggests to Inigo that he ought to become the next Dread Pirate Roberts, Inigo is thoughtful.

Fezzik immediately likes the idea and cheerfully claps. "You should do it."

Inigo isn't sure. It sounds like a great idea, to be sure, but a part of him wants to settle down in the countryside and raise cows. Or sheep. Or whatever farmers tend to do. Maybe he'll raise chickens. He's spent far too many years being drunk and chasing after revenge. He thinks that he might enjoy a quiet life.

Inigo and Fezzik leave Buttercup and Westley cooing over each other and head off together to become farmers.

-***-

Fezzik quite enjoys farming. There's something relaxing about digging and watering and watching the plants grow.

Inigo, on the other hand, hates it.

The first week, Inigo walked around with a perpetual happy smile.

The second week, Inigo walked around with a strained smile.

The third week, Inigo forgot to smile at all.

Now, Inigo walks around with a frown and Fezzik tries to think of a way to make him happy.

"Look," he says. "We have strawberries!"

Inigo stares at them wanly.

"Look," Fezzik says. "We have plums!"

Inigo's expression doesn't change.

Fezzik throws his hands up in frustration and manages to damage the ceiling by accident.

-***-

Inigo's childhood dream was to be a great swordmaker just like his father. When the dream slowly warped into him becoming a great swordsman, he didn't quite mind.

-***-

It's the fifth week and Fezzik decides that drastic action needs to be taken. He takes a pot of carrots over to Inigo and puts his sword in his hand. "Now," he begins, "you are a swordsman." He pauses, unsure of what else to say.

It seems to work because Inigo picks up the sword and starts stabbing the carrots in a frenzy.

"My name is Inigo Montoya," he bellows at the carrots. "You are carrots! Prepare to surrender!"

Fezzik is puzzled, but glad that Inigo has finally got his spirit back. When Inigo finally stops, he suggests that perhaps the farming life isn't for them. Thankfully Inigo agrees.

-***-

They're welcomed on the ship Revenge with open arms. At least, Fezzik prefers to think of it that way. In truth, they had swords pointed at their necks until Westley called his men off and scolded them for hours for not giving notice before coming aboard.

"These are my bride's friends," Westley explains to his crew.

That night, Westley again offers the title of Dread Pirate Roberts to Inigo.

This time Inigo accepts.

-***-

Fezzik thinks he likes the name Inigo Montoya better than the name Dread Pirate Roberts. He always calls Inigo by his true name when they're alone and Inigo glares at him and tells him to stop.

In public, he's the first mate of the Dread Pirate Roberts. In private, he's Inigo's friend and confidant.

Fezzik thinks that perhaps, he was mistaken on his idea of paradise.

Perhaps paradise is simply a pirate ship, a fake identity and Inigo Montoya.


End file.
